


"Dennis and Mac" are "Married"

by the_wildcard



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Partners in life, Partners in real estate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-02
Updated: 2016-03-02
Packaged: 2018-05-24 07:08:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6145648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_wildcard/pseuds/the_wildcard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Dennis bets Dee he could make more tips in a night than her, Dennis has to go to extreme and completely necessary lengths to win.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Dennis and Mac" are "Married"

**Author's Note:**

> This is set back when Dennis and Mac had their own apartment.

11:30 PM  
On a Friday  
Philadelphia, PA

    "Look, I never said Chris Hemsworth was hotter than Ryan Reynolds, because he's not! I'm just saying Chris is beefier-" Dennis steps in, interrupting Mac and Dee's current argument. 

    "What the hell are you guys doing? Mac, are you still trying to convince us you're straight? Because you're doing a pretty piss poor job of it." Charlie smiles from his bar stool. "I'm- I am straight." It's a weak attempt. Mac raises his eyebrows, and glances at Dee for reconciliation. She doesn't say anything, most likely just waiting for this thing to play out on its own. 

    "Whatever, you're a goddamn idiot." Dennis looks tired, Mac notices. He also noticed that Dennis hasn't been sleeping that well back at their apartment. "What's up, Dennis?" Mac asks, glancing back at Dee who's sipping at her cup of wine. Dennis looks up at Mac, and the contempt in his eyes is palpable. 

    "I haven't slept in three days because your idiotic workout videos are keeping me awake," Dennis practically spits at his roommate. Mac just grins nervously. "Oh, you mean my Weight Gain Self Hypnosis tapes? Yeah I'm supposed to play them while I sleep. My personal trainer recommended it to me. He said it, and I quote, helps dissolve the limitations you impose on your body size and allows you to add weight in the places you desire." 

   Mac grins excitedly, waiting for a positive reaction from anyone. All he gets is Charlie drinking from his beer with a confused look on his face. He probably didn't understand half the words Mac just said. "Guys, I'm gonna start cultivating mass again!" Everyone groans, remembering the time not so long ago that Mac was sixty pounds heavier and carried Mexican food around with him in trash bags. "Dude, I don't give a fuck. Stop playing the tapes while I'm trying to sleep. I can hear them from my bedroom." Dennis has his chin resting in his palm. 

    Mac doesn't have time to say anything. Dennis just grabs his collar, and practically drags him out of Paddy's, saying something about how he needs to sleep. When the two guys are gone, Dee looks at charlie. 

    "So they're like totally gay for each other, right," Dee asks. 

   Charlie nods, "totally."

   "And they're never going to admit it." 

   Charlie shakes his head. "Nah, they're never going to get together."

 

*Dennis And Mac Are Married*

 

   An hour later, Mac and Dennis have started drinking. They're both on their eleventh beer, and Dennis has long since forgotten his need for sleep, for now. "You know how I said sometimes I don't feel things?" Dennis asks, facing Mac on the couch. Mac nods drunkenly at what his friend's saying. He's probably just thinking out loud, but Mac still listens.  
"I do feel now. But it's pain. Do you think that's better than being empty?" Mac contemplates the question. "It depends. What's hurting you?" Mac thinks he sees Dennis give him a meaningful look, but he blinks and Dennis is looking back down at his beer bottle. "Nothing."

    They wake up the next morning on the couch, Dennis' head resting snugly on Macs stomach. Since he lost the outrageous amount of weight he gained a few years ago, Mac has been working out instead of overeating. And it shows, especially since his grey T-shirt was abandoned sometime during their drunken escapade. Dennis is drooling on Macs bare abs. "Den, get up." Mac nudges Dennis' shoulder, and Dennis shoots up, surprised by being woken. "God, what time is it?" Dennis grimaces at the rancid taste of his mouth. He can still taste the remnants of last night's alcohol, and there's dry spit down his chin. 

    "Almost twelve. We gotta get to work, dude," Mac groans, and leans over, searching for his shirt. 

    Back at Paddy's, Frank and Charlie are sitting at the bar, Dee standing behind it. They look to be in a heated discussion. Charlie is screeching in his high pitched voice, making everyone grimace. Dennis walks ahead of Mac to see what they're fighting about. "Hey, what's the commotion?" Dennis asks airily, and everyone turns their head to him. 

    "These dicks are saying I couldn't attract more customers if I wanted to," Dee practically shrieks. Dennis winces. "Sweet, sweet Dee. They're right. Now, if you were talking about me. Well, that would be a different story..." Mac steps beside Dee at the counter to grab a beer. "Yeah, I could probably lure in hot Beefcakes by the dozen," Mac says, like he thinks it's a joke. But the rest of the gang knows he's gay as shit. "Yeah right," Dee laughs. 

     "Hey! I could bring in more costumers than your crusty ass!" Mac yells, but Dee stands tall, with her chin up. She's learned to tolerate Macs volatile outbursts because she knows he'd never be able to hurt her. "Please, not even you and Dennis put together would be able to earn more tips than me." 

     Dennis and Mac look at each other. 

     "You're on," Dennis says, standing determinedly. 

     That night at Paddy's is Dee's turn to bartend. She has a tip jar in front of where she's standing, and a lot more makeup on then usual. 

    "She'll never defeat us. Together, we will dominate her." Dennis is venting, mostly to himself. Mac just nods, and takes another long drink of whiskey. The two men have been seated at the booth in the far back, to watch Dee's progress. And if they're being honest with themselves, she's not doing too bad. A tall, tan man is already leaning subtly towards her. 

     Then he drops a bill into her mason jar. "God damnit," Dennis shrieks, "what is that, like five bucks. Already?!" Mac lays a hand on his forearm reassuringly. "Don't worry. Everything is going to go our way... Hugh." They grin at each other. 

    Hugh Honey and Vic Vinegar are back. 

    The next night, Dennis and Mac have dressed appropriately for the roles they'll be playing. Vic (Mac) has on a yellow sweater and khakis, while his "husband", Honey (Dennis) is wearing a plaid shirt, a white sweater around his neck, and light blue pants. Dennis also bought a couple of fake wedding rings for only about two hundred bucks a pop. "That's way too much money for such a small detail, Dennis," Mac had said. Dennis practically shrieked back, "we have to be convincing!"

     Now all they have to do is earn more than 20.43. "Good luck, boners," was all Dee had said to then before promptly leaving Paddy's. "Alright. Now to roll in the cash," Mac grins. 

    Turns out, it's a really slow night at the bar. At least, that's what Dennis keeps telling himself. But there's at least five people here (four more customers than usual), and none of them have tipped yet. "They're probably just going to get more money from an ATM," Mac says hopefully when someone leaves. But when the rest of their customers leave, he keeps his mouth closed. 

     There's not a dollar in the jar by the time they close up.   
      
    The next night, Dennis has decided to have them turn it up a notch. If they were going to make more then Dee, then they have to get real gay. Or at least that's what Dennis told his friend. "I don't see why that's necessary," Mac says. Dennis rolls his eyes, and puts both his hands down on the counter, overlooking the half filled bar. "People will be interested if we're more open about our relationship." 

   Macs eyebrows furrow. "I don't know-" Dennis cuts him off. "We're just gonna be a little bit more gay, that okay with you Mac? It's not like I'm gonna be sticking my dick in your-" 

    "Alright, alright."

    The bar is twice as filled tonight. When a young woman comes up to the bar, Dennis immediately wraps his arm around Macs waist. "I'd like a gin and tonic, please." 

     "Coming right up," Dennis yells enthusiastically. "Vic, be a dear and make this nice girl her drink." Dennis pokes Macs nose, and he grimaces. 

     "This is not how boyfriends act, bro." Mac says quietly.

     "You would know, Mac. Just make the god dammed drink before she gets bored."

     "What do you mean I would know?!" He whisper-yells. 

     "Nothing, Mac! I just- she needs to believe we're dating or else she won't tip us."

     "Okay, at first this plan made sense, but now it just seems illogical." 

     "Excuse me," the girl raises a finger. "I don't believe you're dating. And to be honest, I don't care. I'd just like my drink." Dennis narrows his eyes at her. "You don't believe we're- Well of course you don't. Because we aren't dating. We're married see, look at our rings." Dennis holds up his left hand to the woman.

     She narrows her eyes. "I'll show you dating." And before Mac can stop him, Dennis turns to him, and presses their lips against each other. It's short and chaste, but it's enough to have Mac practically hyperventilating by the time they're done. 

     The girl leaves Paddy's without another word, and Mac puts his hands through his hair. "Thanks Dennis!" He yells. "Now I'm dammed to burn in hell for all eternity." 

    Dennis chuckles. "Please. I'm not the reason you're gonna go to hell."  
    
     The next night is easier. Mac and Dennis kiss more, to keep up appearances of course. And they, surprisingly, do earn more tips then the past two nights combined. Given they didn't earn anything the past nights...

     At the end of their shift on the third night, and by the time everyone has left, the jar is filled considerably with money. "Alright, it's the moment of truth," Mac says lowly, and dumps the glasses contents on the counter. 

    Mac counts slowly and carefully, Dennis watching closely. Once Mac has counted it all, he looks up at Dennis, grinning.

    "Thirty two fifty!" Mac shouts, fist pumping the air. Dennis starts cheering, and Mac grabs him mid cheer. However, when their lips crash together, Dennis is soon silenced. 

    It's different now. No one is around to witness it. This isn't an act. And that's terrifying to Mac. But with his best friend's tongue in his mouth, he's learning to deal with it. 

   Dennis soon has him pressed up against the bar, and the counter's digging painfully into his lower back, but it doesn't really hurt. Mac's overjoyed. Nothing could hurt him, now.

     How could he have ever thought that this would be wrong?

     Eventually they pull away. Mac looks at Dennis with new eyes. He's realized, or more accepts, that he's been in love with Dennis since he's met him, and it feels so good to not have to lie anymore. 

   "Does this mean we're boyfriends now?"

   Dennis laughs. "Boyfriends?" And after a moment, Dennis realizes Mac wasn't joking. "You can't be boyfriends with someone you're already married to, right Vic?"

**Author's Note:**

> This is because I like entertaining the idea that Dennis goes out of his way to do gay stuff with Mac for schemes.  
> Please comment if you liked it, and thank you for reading


End file.
